* Mook - hereinafter known as: Moot.

Divorce'll do that to you.

* C.E. {Daughter}

Now eighteen years old. Taking "Harvard on the Hill" (local community college) courses online, in between changing majors every nanosecond. Working at Suicide Center Mall, in a sporting goods store. Two tattoos, but all three facial piercings have been removed. For now. Her father (and my first ex-husband), Staff Sergeant, is now home from his tour in Afgh@nistan, since late December. He's still married to (hereinafter known) Five Star General, who - for benefit of possible new readers, is biologically female.

Hmmmm? Yeah, no. I'm too mature to refer to her as "Cup of Sour Cunt", anymore. You're welcome.

* V.M. {Daughter}

Now fourteen years old. Very active in myriad sports. Discovering boys. One broke her heart already- eleventy bajillion and ten to go. Still never been kissed, to my vast relief. Dealing with her father (and my ex-live-in of five years) Reeshard, his new wife(!), and Wifey's two teenage sons; with varying degrees of success. No ink or holes, aside from once-pierced ears. Yet.

... I know, right?? After ALL THE FIANCEES, he's finally MARRIED. Don't get too excited though, it was a City Hall ceremony with only the kids in attendance. She was not-yet-divorced when they met (Wink, nudge). At work. Where he's met all his exes, with the sole exception of me. Guess his big corner office looked good from her cube. Cough. Hairball. More work to do on the maturity, it seems! P.S. Since I'm on It: I swear she's some sort of robot/alien. Has to do with the one and only time she and I met. Hard to explain, but believe me when I say she is Not of Our Kind, mmmkay?

* Thing One {Daughter}

Now nine years old. Morphed from Unholy Screaming Meemie into Withdrawn Rather Sullenly. Looks like a girl, thinks/acts/dresses/talks like a tomboy. Or a boy, boy. Hard to say. Plays the violin, but only because Everyone in Third Grade Has To Play Violin, Instrument CHOICE Happens in Fourth Grade, Dummy. Loves playing basketball, football, soccer, baseball, volleyball -anything with a "ball" in it, really. Oh, and video games by the score, since Moot allowed the X-box into the house AFTER the divorce. Her sisters fear she is a future militant lesbian, or wholly gender confused/disordered-and-will-want-The-Sex-Change, while Daddy Moot hopes it's "just a phase".

* Thing Two {Daughter}

Now seven years old. Definately a girly-girl. Definitely still air-headed, which amuses Mommy no end, considering Thing Two ironically suffered prolonged oxygen deprivation at birth. Took ballet/tap the last couple years, but now wants to study Irish Step Dancing. Loves LOVES dressing up, manicures, make-up, hair-doing, jewelry, and playing pretend in Her Own Particular Idiom. Notoriously, fundamentally, inexorably BOY CRAZY ((Random H0mestarRunner/T33n G!rl Squad Reference Alert: "I HAVE A CRUSH ON EVERY BOY!!!!!" (pause) "ARROWED!!!!!" Alert Fin)), and coquettish to where her sisters fear she will turn out to be turbo-promiscuous with a passel of illegitimate children, and riddled with incurable sexually transmitted diseases not-even-discovered-as-yet; while Daddy Moot hopes it's "just a phase".

* The Velociraptor {Maternal Step-Grandmother}

Eighty-seven years old. Had a triple bypass two months ago, with a total valve replacement. From a cow. That was somehow contaminated. Has fluid around her lungs, uses oxygen to breathe. Needed someone at her home in the evenings, after a fall from which she could not get up. Coincided with my very sudden need to move back home, after a disasterous year living Downstate. Narrowly avoiding a totally cliche` "basement" situation, I actually have the entire upstairs to myself. Which is still far too close. [Query "Velociraptor": See "Looks and Sounds Like"]/// UPDATE: Have sinced moved to House on the Hill with the 'rents, stayed for a couple months. Currently living on my own again, in Totally Ghetto Apartment Complex from Hell.

* Materialistic- hereinafter known as: Craftacular {Younger sister}

Declared bankruptcy. Separated from The Count, after failed bi-coastal marriage. Divorce finalizing. Now dating Coach [Query "Coach": See "Actual, Not (the) High-End Brand"], who has a seven year old son from his previous marriage, Speedracer. Since the separation, she has taken up: Knitting, Crocheting, Quilting, Sewing, Cross-stitching, Ceramics~ emphasis on molded Angels and Snowbabies, China/Glass painting~ emphasis on Mackenzie-Child$, Picture-booking/Poster-making~ emphasis on Shutt3rfly, Scrapbooking; and is threatening to start making her own soaps/lotions/bath bombes at some point, between rounds of g0lf. Can you say "Escapist denial, verging on overcompensation"? I knew you could!

* Cheerleader- hereinafter known as: Hot Mess {Niece}

Now seventeen-and-a-half years old. Held back a year in school. Twice. Failing every class again this year. Taking Cosmetology at vocational school part-time (Despite her current "Chola" hair and make-up style), while scarcely passing. That's the only information fit for public consumption. Suffice to say, this child's life is going straight into the toilet fast, and she's the one with her hand on the flusher. I love her dearly, but I don't often like her. Or respect her very much. At all. Still, I try to find the good in her whenever possible... and today that good thing is: She's on birth control, at least.

* RadioGuy {Younger brother}

Still happily married to AdorableWife. Was unceremoniously fired from his first sports-radio talk show, when the communications company owning the AM station was bought out by a rival broadcasting conglomerate. Huge public outcry. Rebounded by hosting/writing a sports blog for the local newspaper's website, for a year. Now his original show is back on the AM airwaves, thanks to being picked up by a very high-profile sports radio/tv network. Naturally, the entire family listens to him every weekday from 3-6pm. ... One member may have phoned the station to publicly sternly call him out for using abysmal grammar ("funner") ((!!!!)), in a sentence during a broadcast. Ahem. AdorableWife is still teaching. They adore kayaking and snowshoeing, when RadioGuy isn't glued to the television/radio/Internets.

* SophieSoph/Doll/DollFace/Peanut/The Golden Child {Niece)

Now two years old. Was a bit "Failure to Thrive" for a time there, but is finally blossoming. Despite being very small for her age, late walking and talking, and utterly recalcitrant in her absolute refusal of All Things Protein; she is whip-smart, with the most delightfully impish manner/sense of humor. Finds endless fascination in watching the (male) family dog, especially when he humps the (both male) family cats. Whenever she loses toys or books, they're always "In Florida"- from whence they shall never return, because "Florida is locked". She knows that "Grammy is for cookies", while "Aunt Serena is for KISSES". Attending a pre-nursery group three days a week, where "Daddy is the only ManMommy", because he takes her before going on the air.

(Daddy admittedly found that a bit intimidating at first, but now kvells he gets the best recipes/advice/fashion tips/sympathy help that way. Yes- "kvells". He's also the only shaygetz.)

* Ma/Grammy

My mother, my supporter, my ultimate best friend. Works as a Nanny to The Golden Child, and to a three year old boy, Hydrocephalus. [Query "Hydrocephalus": See "BigAss Bobble Head, Eensy Weensy Body". Also refer to "Not Literally, but Might As Well Be"] There is not enough bandwidth in the world to describe my cherished mother, my love for her, or my crippling fear I will somehow inherit The Crazy from her. (Which now includes g0lf. G0LF. Wave to the nice Horsemen of the Apocalypse, now: SHAR0N is G0LFING. With PINK CLUBS, PINK BAG, PINK EVERYTHING. Her ringt0ne is by P!nK, even.) That takes The Crazy to heights heretofore unknown. I staunchly blame The Change for increasing The Crazy. Her best friend Ev3lyn took up playing the bagpipes(!!!) after her The Change, though. There may yet be higher heights of The Crazy to induce altitude sickness, after all. And/or The Apocalypse.

I'm bathing in estrogen, starting now.